In June 2012, I was given the most precious of all gifts. A baby boy. He was perfect. Beautiful. The whole nine months I prepared for this baby boy. I researched everything I could think of, plus some. It all made sense. I was going to be the best mom ever.
But, I failed him. I knew I was going to breastfeed. I knew I was going to delay solids. I knew I was going to practice extended rear-facing. I thought I knew it all. I read books and articles all day, every day. But, somehow one of the most important pieces of information slipped past me: circumcision.
I had friends tell me it's not necessary, but I had only ever seen one intact penis in my life. A child I babysat as a teen... and I was convinced he would get infections...
I live in Canada, and here they don't perform circumcision at the hospital. Instead, at his first check up at one week old, the doctor asked us if we were going to circumcise him. We (his circumcised Dad and I) said, "Of course!" It makes me shudder just to think about.
We were referred to a doctor who performs the surgery.
One week later it was the day of our scheduled appointment. My son was 2 weeks old. I had felt sick about it the whole week but I figured that feeling was normal because he was so fresh and new and having a 'procedure' done.
I didn't research what this procedure entailed. I failed him... again.
I could have looked into things that whole week. I could have done so much to stop it.
They took the babies back one by one from parents in the waiting rooms. We were all in different rooms, but I could hear them all screaming. It was like a torture chamber -- just more sanitary.
They took my son back and I cried the whole 20 minutes he was gone. Hysterical. It felt disgusting. They told me my feelings were "normal." I thought it was all normal. All of it. But it wasn't.
He came back --- silent.
"He did great. He didn't even cry."
In fact, he was the only baby not crying. It must have went smooth, I thought. Right?
But his face was red... his eyes were blank.
"Thank you." I said as I paid the secretary (for butchering my son). I THANKED THEM. For cutting my brand new baby and torturing him for a good 15 minutes. I PAID THEM. I PAID THEM AND THANKED THEM FOR THIS.
We left. He started to cry when we strapped him into his carseat. At home, he wouldn't latch to breastfeed. He refused to eat. He cried. He slept. Any normal human being would act the same if they were in immense pain.
Later that night, while changing his diaper, he screamed as we changed the gauze. I'll never forget the amount of blood and the amount of guilt and pain and screaming that all happened at once. It was the most pain I'd ever felt emotionally. It was at that moment I realized that I had messed up -- really bad. I really messed up.
The surgical wound healed and up to that point he had no problems. So, I left it alone... swept the whole ordeal under the rug.
When my son was not yet one year old I discovered how big of a mistake I had really made.
HORROR. It was pure horror. I saw a post on Facebook, and I then began my research. I cried. Every night for a week. I still cry sometimes. I can't believe I failed my baby so badly. The only thing I can do now is help others. Stop them from making the same mistake I made. A mistake I will never make again.
My son will be educated on what I allowed to happen to him, and on his restoration options, to regain some of what was stolen from him as a baby. I won't let him live in ignorance to cover up my mistakes. And thankfully, his dad feels the same way.
Read more from parents who will be keeping future sons intact: DrMomma.org/2010/05/i-circumcised-my-son-healing-from.html To share your story, email SavingSons@gmail.com